The Jailhouse Diaries: Part Three

Fuck religious people. They can all suck my scabby cock. I don't care which religion they follow, they are all a bunch of fucking sheep you try and justify their miserable, pathetic lives with thousand year old bullshit like the Bible or the Koran.

My mom actually invited some of the abortion protesters on our block in for rice krispy squares and Tang. I had to listen to all of them start an impromptu "prayer circle" while I hid in my room and mastrubated to this video I ordered online called Teriyaki Vomit Sluts. It doesn't have subtitles and I don't speak gook, but you really don't need to with this. I need to date a Jap chick because they are submissive and you can get them to do anything.

I tried turning up the volume, so those churchy fuckwits outside could hear it, but I don't think it could reach them as they were all speaking in tongues and crying to Baby Jesus to kill all the abortionists. I hope my mother drinks a shitload a Schlitz and passes out after they leave, then maybe I'll get to watch some Buffy reruns on Fox this afternoon.

I'm so sick of religious people because you meet a lot of them in jail and are forced to live with them 24/7. Churchy prisoners are more despicable than any other prisoners in the jail.

After two weeks of living on a cot in the gymnasium, I finally got assigned to a pod (jail speak for a cell). I guess they released a bunch of rapists, murderers and drug dealers to make the space to keep an innocent man like myself inside. I only had to share it with one other prisoner, but that other prisoner was this spearchucker who called himself Mohammed bin Shabazz or something (I think his real name was JayShawn or something.)

Mohammed had converted to Islam when he came to jail. He sent out a letter to the Nation of Islam after he was put inside, and they mailed him a Koran, a cheap prayer rug, and a form letter "signed" by the Honorable Louis Farrahkan. He was always saying cheesy shit like "a sallam aleikum" whenever he saw me, and was always dragging out his prayer mat and letting loose more "allahu ackbars" than an Iraqi sand nigger slitting someone's throat on camera.

Mohammed was the only Muslim in the jail, and of course, all the other niggers avoided him because they would get a whole speech about how they were "people of the sun" and how Islam was the only way to shuck the chains of the white man's religion. of course, Mohammed was a hypocrite because he was inside for raping some poor black girl for a gang initiation. Shows how down with his people he is.

Since I was a "white devil", I didn't have to deal with Mohammed trying to convert me. He was always making snide comments though. If they served Spam in the cafeteria, he'd say something like "Don't open your mouth, devil. I can smell the swine on your breath." Fine, I didn't want to talk with his ass anyway.

After having to share a five by eight foot cell with this fucker for a couple of weeks, I was beginning to wonder if I could get a butcher to mail a pig's head to the jail and if the guards would let me have it. I'd put it in his bed and he'd have to sleep on the floor for the rest of the time he was here. That would have ruled, but the jail has rules about prisoners receiving meat.

I couldn't take his fucking "allahu ackbars" any more. One day, while he was napping in the afternoon, I stole his Koran, went to the shower room, squatted down and took a big juicy shit on it. God wished I was free man when I did that. I'd have video taped it, put it on the Internet, and let the towelheads riot and kill each other off.

I left the beshitted Koran in the day room when no one was looking. At first, Mohammed tore apart the cell looking for his precious bullshit book. Then when he saw it laying next to the rack of chessboards and Chutes and Ladders, he started screaming, dropping to his knees and (I guess) praying to Allah or something.

He created such a scene the guards came up to try and drag his ass away to isolation. He whipped around and elbowed one of them in the face. Big mistake. A couple of SORT guys came rushing in and beat him to a bloody paste. I think poor Mohammed lost an eye and a testicle to the SORT team's batons.

Anyway, he left a big red smear as they dragged him to the infirmary, and this semi-retarded prisoner named Buck was left to mop it up. Mohammed spent a few weeks in there before being sent to solitary with another three months tacked onto his sentence.

I, of course, never had to see that fucker again while I was there. Allahu ackbar.