Fuck the police

I just spent week in county, and it's all because of my co-worker, that junkie Kelvin.

The other night when I was closing Subway, Kelvin came in the back room just as I was squeezing the pus out of a blister on my big toe into the mustard bottles. I don't even know why he was there, it wasn't like he was on the schedule.

Despite the fact that this diseased druggie fleabag doesn't mind injecting all kinds of shit into his veins, he gets all self righteous with me. He tells me to wash out all the mustard containers, and that if he ever catches me fucking with the food again, he'll tell the manager and have me fired.

Now, I could just as easily turn around and tell her about how he shoots up in the bathroom, so I wasn't all that afraid. Still, I figured I should be cautious, so I refrained from ejaculating into the mayonaisse or peeing on the pickle slices.

Now, I get a fair amount of jerking off done at work because I like to spread my "seed" to the food. Since I haven't been able to do it at work the last few nights, I've been feeling very backed up.

So after I finish closing the place, I'm feeling extremely horny. I've been working at Subway for quite a few weeks, and I had about twenty dollars left over after buying groceries, so I decided to get go pick up a crack ho.

I drive up and down the 'ho strip for about half an hour. I luck out and find one that's actually white. She's missing a bunch of teeth, wearing some really filthy acid wash jeans, and has her gut hanging over her halter top, lined with purple stretch marks. But fuck it, you get what you pay for. She said she'll take twenty bucks for head.

So I drive until I find a length of the street that's pretty uninhabited. She's pulls out her grape bubble gum and starts going to town on my schlong. I am a fucking tree right now, having not jerked off in six hours. I need to get blown by more toothless bitches, because her gum action was actually really hot. I had to roll down the window to get some air.

I was about to blow a geyser of man-aise into this bitches mouth, when suddenly there was a light shining into my car. Oh fuck, it's the police.

"Stop what you're doing and get out of the car," the pig said. He was right by the drivers side of my car. The crack ho (I didn't catch her name) stopped sucking my dick and started crying.

That was right when I started to nut. I shot out so hard it ended up hitting the cop in the eye.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" he screams, and as soon as he wipes my cum out of his eyes and pulls his Glock out, he's pulling me out of the car, throwing me on the ground with my pants down, shoves his knee in my back, and cuffs me. I think he overreacted.

So I get charged with assaulting a police officer and thrown in jail. Eventually that fucking whore I call a mother bailed me out. Good, because all the wetbacks and spearchuckers really stink up the cells.

How to pick up retarded chicks.

It's been awhile now since I've gotten laid. Even though I now have a job, you can't even afford hookers on a Subway salary.

Seeing as most women are materialistic snobs who won't give the time of day to a guy who doesn't make 100k a year and has a dick the size of a tree branch, I decided to lower my standards and try to screw a retarded woman. Not that I'm intrinsically attracted to mongoloids, but hell, pussy ain't got no IQ.

It was a pretty good time. I encourage any K5er who has been out of the loop to try going down on a Down's chick. Read below for some helpful hints...

1) Find some retarded chicks.

The best place is a mall food court. You'll usually see a bunch of mentally disabled people trying to sweep and mop and return used trays. They're usually involved in some program with their group home that tries to make them feel "useful in society" or some crap. If your local mall is upscale enough to employ wetbacks, then try Nathan's Funtastic Fun World on a schoolday.

Also, finding a retard that is out in the world ensures that they are not TOO retarded. Yes, there is such a thing. Though the chick drooling in her wheelchair while trying to bite her ear may ensure you don't get a dry blowjob, she probably won't give you too much hip action.

2)Isolate her from Authority Figures.

Retarded people are conditioned to obey the authority figures in their lives (such as a family member or a counseler at their program) and trust them in all things. It is important that you break those bonds of trust, as they will prevent you from getting some double-chromosome poon.

Be sickeningly nice to your retarded lover. Inform her that the people in charge of her are really mean and that you would be much nicer to them. Give them tons of candy and soda pop. Tell her that the person who takes care of her is trying to poison their food and shit like that. It is essential that they trust you above all else. Encourage them to run away if you have to. If they need to, you'll let them sleep in your closet for a few days.

3)Getting them in the sack.

Retarded chicks either have no conception of shame about their sexuality. In that sense, they would be the perfect woman if their eyes weren't too close together. In fact, you will have to kind of shut yourself off, go to a happy place, while doing your retarded chick. She will likely not be in very attractive physical condition. Her muffled sounds will be, well, retarded. You will usually have to do all the work, but hey, it's the same if you use Rophynol. They have typically not have had sex before, so the first time will hurt them and feel weird, so you may need to stuff a sock in their mouth the first few times so people don't think your strangling Snuffleuffagus in your apartment.

4)Kick em to the curb.

This is harder than it sounds, seeing as you have usurped the authority figure spot in their lives. Lock them out of your house, and you will just find them sitting on your porch days later, muching on pop tarts and not take the hint.

My best suggestion: drive them out someplace unfamiliar, like to a different city, tell them your going to use the bathroom, and ditch them someplace. They aren't dogs, they aren't gonna be able to find you across half the state. Just lose her and forget it.

Any ladies wanna help me make a porno movie?

Last night I jerked off into the lo-carb cream of broccoli soup at work. It's become sort of a closing ritual for me. Half the fat fucks on Atkins in this town have millions of my children-who-were-not-meant-to-be swimming around in their stomachs. It fills me with a strange sense of pride.

Then I realized...I jerk off almost ten times a day. More if I'm feeling really randy. And I can do it in strange places. I learned what my true calling is. I should be a porno star.

My dick isn't huge, but I don't imagine it's small. Five inches is about standard, right? I have no idea since I'm not a faggot who goes around looking at other guy's dicks.

On the body side, I'm kinda overweight, not really obese though. I'm only 23 and have a huge bald spot. This can be to my advantage though. No one likes to feel inferior to a porn star. I could carve out a sort of "New Ron Jeremy" niche.

I only wanna do scenes with chicks who have big tits. They must be willing to do freaky shit like ass to mouth or watersports (on them, not me, I ain't that much of a freak). I'd prefer to do only white chicks, maybe a Mexican chick if she looks like Salma Hayek.

Unfortunately, I don't have any money to pay you right now, but I'll throw a few bucks your way when Vivid buys the video.

Poopy's new job.

Seeing as I was ineligble for unemployment, and the lawyer I saw for suing my last job for wrongful termination actually *laughed* me out of his office (I wonder if he'd appreciate a call to the Bar Association...) my New Year's resolution was to find a new job.

I thought it would take a lot longer, but unfortunately, I finally found one.

I used to have a great job in software sales. Now, I close a fucking Subway. It's a simple job; just slap on the meat (something I'm an expert at) ask what the customer wants on the sandwich, fend off their retarded questions about how many carbs are in the cold cuts, or if there's gluten in the fucking bread.

The manager (a fat Christian lady with a kitten embroidered on the side of huge handbag) is a total cunt. I got written up for being a half-hour late the other day. In my other job, you could be a half hour late and spend another half hour maxing chicks from the coffee machine and no one would care. She wrote me up again today for being (in her words) "a pottymouth". Go suck some more Jesus cock you dumb douche.

At least I only have to put up with her for a few hours in the afternoon. Then it's just me and some other shithead until nine o'clock. My coworkers are total mutants. One of them is the manager's nephew and all he talks about is how he wants to learn everything he can so he can get into "manager training". Pathetic Dudley Do-Right, but at least bearable. Not as bad as Celvin though. This skinny fuck spends half of his shift in the bathroom shooting heroin while I do everything up front. Plus I think he has AIDS. I have the sick urge to wipe a asiago cheese/parmesean bun over his supperated, HIV infected track marks and then serving it to a customer.

Worse though is the customers. I don't have to deal with the worst of the yuppie lunch rush, though I did have to deal with some cellphone talking asshole that was pissed I didn't put enough tomatoes on his sandwich (there's a shortage scumfuck, shut up). At night, mostly I have to scoot off homeless pieces of shit that think they have the right to stay in our restaurant all night just because they bought a soda. I have to soak my hand in gasoline just to get the fleas off my hand after I throw them out.

Plus fuck all the Mexicans. Seriously, if you can't say "Number Four" in English, get out of my country. I didn't know that you were pointing at the olives through the fucking glass. And don't get an attitude with me because I don't speak your filthy language.

Worst are the welfare mothers. There's a fat white bitch who keeps bringing all seven of her kids in every day. They all have different daddies, you can tell because one looks half-black, another half-Mexican. She talks like a wigger too, always asking me if she can pay for their order with food stamps. Why is she taking her kids to Subway? Half of them don't even have shoes. The other half don't have shirts.

After nine o'clock, I have the store all to myself for two hours. I whittle away the time by fucking with the food. We're supposed to prep the cold cuts for the next day. I wipe the pieces of baloney between my ass crack in the back before folding it between butcher paper. I pissed in the jar of pickles that came in with the new order. They'll be marinating in my urine for at least two days before they get served.

I flick boogers into the bread dough, stuck my cock in the mayonaisse. I filled two bags of shredded lettuce with my pubic hairs. Hell, the other night I tried to find out how many cucumber slices I could stuff up my asshole before crapping them back out into the cold tray.
Yes, you Subway eating social rejects. You are taking a piece of Poopy with your low carb wraps or Red Vinagrette Club (the vinagrette dressing is perfect for jerk off lube, by the way). My job is shit, but you're eating mine. Fuck you all.